What I Cannot Have
by K-Shandra
Summary: How much frustration can one woman suffer.
1. Chapter 1

Title: What I Cannot Have

Genre: NCIS

Pairing: Tony And Ziva (Ziva POV – First person – Narrative… I was playing)

Rating: M, but work safe… depending on your mindset.

Timeline: Has a distinct season seven feel to it, but more general.

Spoilers: Lots, and used without discretion, the way I usually do.

Summery: How much frustration can one woman suffer.

Disclaimer: Yeah right, they're mine, about as much as unicorns and faeries live in my backyard. But thanks to their creator… I get to play with them.

A/N: You know reading Fanfic is bad for you when; your muse ends up cowering in the corner at the mere mention of NCIS Fanfic. All because you stumbled on a fanfic – a Slash Fanfic (and I don't usually read them, but this one had a good storyline.) – that sent her cowering into the corner in the first place. So after some careful coaxing (with a few CSI MIAMI, and some FRINGE fics), and a promise that it is not true… That Tony will only look at Ziva, lusts after Ziva, she crawled from her hiding place and came and sat down at the table… However, she is scarred… I don't think she trusts Gibbs anymore… So, I allowed her to write this, what can I say…

Written: September 2011

Word Count: 1 846 (let her ease into it slowly…)

..·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·.ƸϊƷ.·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·..

_I cannot believe it. I just simply cannot believe it._ Ziva thought as she entered her apartment, tossing her keys on the table and dropping her bag next to them. _Once again we have argued, and not only have we argued, we've had a "lover's quarrel". Which is just brilliant, because not only does he have no idea as to why we quarrelled, we're not even lovers to start off with._ 'Ugh, he drives me insane.' Ziva announces out loud to the empty room, 'how is that possible?' she asks the silent air around her.

There are times that our relationship confuses me to the point of exhaustion. One day he is like a little boy, teasing and playful, and then the other he is like a jealous lover, defending his territory. Why can he not just stick to one, at least that way he won't confuse me, and I won't end up feeling like this… Ziva's mind kept processing her frustration at Tony's latest antics.

_Maybe I'm expecting too much from him. After all, he's NOT my lover, a fact I have grave difficulty coming to terms with at times. So, he shouldn't be held accountable for my sexual frustration. Tony has a right to flirt with any woman he chooses… just not in front of me._ Ziva reasoned as she made for the kitchen intent on getting herself a cup of tea, however the thought of something stronger was alluring. _I know my feelings are irrational, erratic, and downright stupid, but what does love, or jealousy, know of sense or logic. Every fibre in my being vibrates with live anger. I hate myself for needing him so much, that I resort to turning into the stereotypical wife, who's just found her husband cheating on her. It's as if my heart no longer hears what my brain is shouting at it. _Her thoughts continue to ramble whilst she waits for the kettle to boil. _Women throw themselves at him, and I know he enjoys it, but he has never really allowed one to enter his juvenile exterior, his shell. And I've seen what lies below it, and there is nothing that I want more than that... Him._

Taking a cup from the shelf, she places it on the counter with a sigh, her shoulders drooping slightly. _He needs to be who he is. He needs to have the freedom to explore other people. Who am I to say anything or to lay claim to him? Only his partner… _ _and at the same time, my heart droops and sobs mournful tears. I feel that I have lost him, that nothing holds him to me. He is my weakness, my sensitive nerve ending. The yardstick I use to measure others… and he shouldn't be. _Pulling herself upright she reaches for the container, opens it and extracts a teabag, dropping it into her cup. Feelings, uncontrollable and inescapable assault her consciousness, and with them, an emotion she has tried to bury so many times. _I see him and I see her. And I can no longer think straight, because all I see is the image of her in his mind and I cease to function as a rational and sane human being. I want to scratch his eyes out, and shoot her. Because she holds his interest, and if he can't see her… It would be better. _Ziva releases another sigh as she adds water to her cup, then waits for the tea to drag. _ He is unaware of me, and doesn't notice the strong draw I have to him, he does not sense the deep emotional fulfilment I have when he is in the room, when he is close to me. Even when we argue, he still makes me happy. _

Ziva spooned the teabag from her cup, tossing it in the dustbin, then added sugar and milk, before taking her tea to the lounge and settling on the couch. _I can never have him. I know that. And even if I did, I would only be for a day or two, never for life. Love sometimes just works like that. __You need to keep the person at arms length, and then even there they are capable of hurting you, if not more so. I wish that I could stop loving him, only so that these feelings of rage against him would end, for it is my worst trait, hating him while loving him, and I only torture myself with them. _

Tony had been especially flirtatious today, and had I been the object of his dalliances I wouldn't have minded it as much. But it has been a while since he's favoured me with any of his playful come-ons. A long while… Now if there is one thing I have learnt in the years of working with Tony, it was to recognize when DiNozzo was on the prowl. And today, and definitely tonight, Tony was just that. It's during those times that I could say goodbye to my at times sensible partner, and be left to cope with the playboy. And those were also the times I would much rather floor him in some way, in hope that he would just look down to the person standing next to him. I can in my mind see his expression change when he takes a sudden interest in a woman, when he's intrigued by her. He'll trek halfway across the planet to avenge my death... but don't ask the man to take the time to notice that I happen to be head over heels in love with him! No, DiNozzo goes for the easy prey, and I doubt he realizes how easy a prey I would be for him, that he would only have to look my way and I'd be willing to fulfil every fantasy he could come up with. I would drag him into my bed and fuck him senseless. Then I'll let him do it to me, because if there was one thing I know he would be good at, it would be that. He could make me forget my name. Just the thought of him between the sheets with me, of him moving between my thighs, with his hands on my body, is enough to make me go over to his place and throw the slut out, then toss him to the floor and take what I want… but I can't.

Ziva closed her eyes in hope of stilling her thoughts, and the pain they evoked. Carefully she took a sip of her tea, the movement causing her to focus on something other than Tony, and what she wanted to be doing with him, to him. The day had left her feeling flogged, having had to watch as numerous women once again threw themselves at her partner. It was not something she was unused to. It was just that she knew he was receptive of their advances, more than he usually was, and that tonight some woman would find her way into his bed, and that woman wouldn't be her. Her mind drifted back to earlier the day, when they had gone to question the victim's sister, There had been two woman watching them as they stood waiting, both practically drooling, like he was a piece of choice meat, and although Tony had been too distracted by the receptionist to notice them. Ziva had cast her best "get-the-fuck-out-of-here-he's-mine" glare, whilst making certain that they saw that she was armed. Both quickly retreated, like two whipped puppies, knowing their attentions were unwelcome. _He hardly notices that I exist, He's too busy revealing in all the attention he seems to consistently be the centre of. Not only does he take me for granted, but he has the unmitigated gall to openly flirt with other women right in front of me, as if my feelings are of no concern to him. Sure, he says that he can't live without me, but has he proved it? No. And the on our return to the Yard he chat's up some secretary, the one with the long legs and sky blue eyes. She's possibly the one he's taken home with him tonight. _

Dropping her gaze to her cooling cup of tea, _ugh, I should rather have opted for something stronger... No matter how hard I try, I couldn't hate him half as much as I love him. You just can't. Once you've committed your heart to someone, it's almost impossible to feel anything except love. But that does not mean that it is returned,_ _friendship, trust, concern, these are the only things I share with him. I want to share so much more with him. I want to feel his body on mine, our naked skins pressed against one another. They say memories fade with time, but that one never will… Not if I can help it. At times I can still feel his hands, taste his lips, feel his arousal against me, I imagine what it would be like to have him inside me, what he could do with it. My skin burns with the though, my body alight in response to the images of him fucking me, hard, fast, for hours on end. And trust me I would make him do it for hours on end, reputation or not. There is no such thing as too much of a good thing when it comes to my thoughts and Tony. The things I would let him get away with, that I would do to him, would take a month's worth of Sundays just to list. _

Ziva placed her almost cold tea on the coffee table then got up. _But it could never be, I am not his type, even when I had blatantly thrown myself at him, he was not interested. So why would he be now? I remember looking at Brenda, listening to him talking, I have never felt such acrimony for a person as I felt then, to know that she had shared with him something I would as good as sell my soul for, she as not even that pretty, why can't he look at me like that? Reach for me when he needs release? I'll make sure that it is good… He is thoughtful and caring, look at the trouble he went through that one Xmas, secret santa. I had really not expected that, not with the comments he'd made, and if anyone had asked me what I wanted for Xmas that year; it would have been one sinfully naked, Very Special Agent Anthony Dimetrious DiNozzo, in my bed, ready to do untold pleasurable things with me. That's why we had an arrangement for no gifts. Because he was the gift I wanted, still want, but he is not capable of giving me that, and I have to accept that, and to move on. But I can't, my heart won't let me._

Ziva stepped into the bathroom starting the shower, before stripping herself of her clothes. It would be another quiet evening for her, reading a book.

..·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·.ƸϊƷ.·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·..

Come my muse… We will not expose you to anymore disturbing fanfic.  
>Crazy people, with their crazy ideas and putrid minds…<br>Maybe you should team Gibbs up with a nice girl… a red head, you know, draw his attention away from…Jenny.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: What I Cannot Have – Part Two  
>Genre: NCIS – Angst.<br>Pairing: Ziva  
>Rating: M<br>Timeline: 10X1  
>Spoilers: 10X1<br>Summery: She knows she should not, but cannot help it.  
>Disclaimer: Sigh, I only get to play.<br>A/N: I just couldn't resist. It's the shortest thing I've written in a while.  
>Written: October 2012<br>Word Count: 1,028

..·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·.ƸϊƷ.·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·..

Ziva closed her apartment door and braced herself against it, taking a deep breath before pushing herself from the door and making for her bathroom. _Cannot delay, I need to get back to the yard to help the others_, she thought as she entered the bathroom, _I must not think about it because it would only drive me insane _she thought as she started the water, then turning from it to shrug off her sweaty clothes.

Stepping under the water spray she turned her head up and allowed the water to cascade over her body, taking with it the sweat, dirt and grime that had accumulated whilst they had been trapped in the elevator. Her and Tony, _No don't think about it, _she chided herself, lifting her hands to soothe back the wet strands of hair that fell past her face. _God he drives me insane_, she finally relented with a sigh. Allowing her head to hang, she took a deep breath, releasing it in a low moan. This should never have happened, I was not supposed to fall in love with him. Loving him is fine, we are partners, friends, almost like a family. I was not supposed to want more from him. Not Anthony, it was only asking for certain heartache, and as if he has not already given me enough of that.

She shook her head reaching for the shampoo squirting some onto her hand, before returning it to its place and shampooing her hair, swallowing as her mind once again returned to him, as the scent of shampoo filled the shower. _How could I not make a comment about body odour, his is so poignant, I could pick it out anywhere. And concentrated like it had been there, with that lingering node of sweat only reminds me that it has been a log time since I had shared the affections of a man, not that I want another. It just makes it difficult to not be so close to him without wanting to take from him what I want. But I cannot._

Rinsing the shampoo from her hair she reached for the conditioner soothing a generous quantity over her hair, before reaching for her body wash and loofa. She carefully worked the soap over her body, having has long since learned not to think of him whilst showering, or if she did, only in a frustrated sense, that usually sped up her movements. But as she brushed the loofa over her thigh, where he had touched her, the skin came alight with awareness, reminding her of his gentle caress. _Was he even aware that he was caressing my thigh, does he have any idea what his touch does to me, especially when it is so intimate. I'm surprised he did not sell my arousal, for certainly he should have been able to considering where his head was. Oh god No! Ziva! Do not think of that,_ she quickly chided herself, moving her head under the shower to rinse off the conditioner.

She dropped the loofa and reached up to work the conditioner out of her hair, _do not think of what you much rather would have him do with his head there_. A throbbing started low in her body, building, and she let out a frustrated sigh. She was so tired of thinking about him whilst she took the edge off, she wanted him to take care of that need, _but even when locked in an elevator for hours, we cannot manage it. _She sighed as she rinsed the last of the soap from her body, opting to shave another time she turned off the water and got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around her. _And just what did he mean that he does not like other men looking at me, he looks at other woman, it is only fair that I too get some attention. It is not like he wants me in such a way, the attraction is still there, I still want him, but so often he has turned his back on me, to yet again act like a boy who is about to have his favourite toy taken from him. but then I cannot help but feel happy at it, because at least he notices, he is not completely oblivious to my presence in his life. That under his suites, cologne and carefully crafted appearance lay a male, a hot blooded male that takes notice of others look at me, like a jealous husband. _A trill went through her body at that though.

She exited the bathroom and made her way to her room, drawing open her wardrobe to extract some clothes. Her mind drifted back to her father, distance has made their relationship easier in some ways and more strained in others. _He has never really approved of Tony, although Tony has proven his worth, his loyalty to me more times than any man should need to._ She thought drying herself, then started pulling on her underwear and clothes. _If only Tony would be willing to take on the true position as my partner, them maybe my father would stop being so negative, I can understand his desire for me to marry to produce grandchildren, but I do not want that with any other man, and he fails to understand that. I have tried, but it never works. There are times I really think Tony and I are growing closer, but then it is like he realizes that we shouldn't and he does something childish. Ziva shook her head at that. I cannot see it being such a problem with Gibbs if we were to come together. We have both tried with others and it has never worked, surely he can see that._ She thought as she started drying her hair. _We have tried, and I am tired of looking for another when everyday I am faced with the one I desire most. And if he ever did follow up on that look he gave me when Abby arrived, I would not stop him - I no longer have reason to. Gibbs will just have to understand.._.

..·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·.ƸϊƷ.·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·..·¤°°¤·..


End file.
